No food, drink, man, or woman can take your pain away from you and that is the harsh reality of life. You can try depending on as many substances or people for temporary support but all of that is temporary at the end of the day and will make you happy for a few moments. But, soon you will be left alone again. Alone to face that pain you have been running away from for a while now. The pain that you are scared to face.
Pain, suffering, anxiety, sadness, and feeling low. These are the feelings that we do not like to be reminded of. I don’t like to acknowledge my feelings. I do not want to know what causes it and what the trigger really is. Come on! Who does not like to live in the bubble of a perfect life with happiness and love? We don’t like to be reminded that how alone we are in real life and we often choose to overlook it. For me, everything gets so hard when I am reminded of the pain and the loneliness. A sudden change that shakes your world and leaves you feeling so alone and vulnerable looking for someone and something to depend on. The truth is that I just want these emotions to go away and to leave me alone. Perhaps, I should try getting drunk so that I am so numb that I cannot think of these feelings anymore.
These feelings remind me of how alone I am. How I have just everything and yet nothing. I have a place to call home and people who I love but still, it's lonely here. I wish I had more money, a better body, a better house, better friends, and the best of everything and maybe then I will be happy. For I am a human and I am never satisfied with all that I have, and I want more of everything. This that I have right now is not good. I know people are dying in the world somewhere. But I am selfish, and I want more. I want to cry and suffer because I am unhappy with just what I have. I choose this sadness and loneliness and I choose to ignore just what causes it. Why am I not satisfied with what I have? Why am I sad? Why do I feel this way?
She does not want the answers but all she wants is love and attention. She wants to be held in someone’s arms for now. To forget all the bad that has been happening and all that is hurting. Maybe love is what I need. Love from someone else, that is fantasized and brings all the pleasures in the world. I would like that cause then I would not be focusing on reality but would probably be having good romance and good sex leading to more serotonin and dopamine that shall leave me feeling happy. Yes, the attractive concept of love. Having someone to call to, having someone to talk to each time you feel low. It’s not like we have not tried this. All this is good until all you ever talk about is your problems and the other person often gets sick and tired of listening. Hey, it’s nice to be held in someone’s arms but why do I really seek that support from someone else?
Mm…but food. Good food is better than porn and possibly releases more serotonin that might make me happy. So, let me add some spices and make this dish so hot that it burns my mouth and helps me feel something. For I have been feeling numb for a while now. Remember the things that you are intolerant to? Why don’t you have something rich in gluten and dairy? Maybe that would distract you from reality. Maybe that will make you happy. Perhaps, let’s get some wine too and get drunk to go to town and run into someone that might make me happy. All I want is to be in the moment and feel something. I do not want to sit down and think about anything. But all I want is a temporary distraction.
A temporary distraction that comes to full circle and brings you right back to where you started. The truth is that there is a lot more going on than you think. It is hard to tell why a baby is crying. It might be hungry or maybe its diaper needs to be changed. The only thing that you can do is try and find out why the baby is really crying. Why are you not happy with all that you have? Why are you wanting to depend on others? Why? Why?
And that is the real question here. The question that you need to find an answer for. So, sit down and acknowledge your feelings. Breathe in and breathe out. Do not linger on temporary distractions. Alcohol used as a temporary distraction will only lead to an addiction. Overeating will only make you feel better in the moment but will bring its own consequences. So, girl! eat good, listen to your body, exercise, meditate, masturbate, and love yourself. You need to put your mental health before anything else. Talk to someone. Question more. Why am I feeling this way? What is the trigger here? How can I make this better? Write down these questions and try to answer them. See a counselor and get to learn new and long-term techniques to cope with anxiety.
So, here is the chair of happiness that requires you to sit down and think. Think of all that is happening and acknowledge it. There is only one chair for one person in your life and that person is you. You have to sit on it at some point if you want to work on your problems. You can try running away as much as you want to and can stand all day. But eventually, we all need to sit down.
So, my question is when are you sitting?
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